Mabon 2008
Redneck Ritual

CIRCLE CAST

Many times around
They circle the green
The asphalt Circle
Is the NASCAR dream

The roar of the engines
Cheers of the crowd
Massive destruction
From crashes so loud

We are proud Rednecks
With big tittied wives
And this asphalt Circle
Gives meaning to our lives

NORTH CALL

To the North
We invite ya’ll who bring the cold winter winds
And the old snowbirds
You are more than welcome to enjoy our Southern hospitality
But you can’t stay
And keep your tornados away from our trailers
No damned Yankees allowed here

EAST CALL

To the East
We call forth the asphalt Earth
The land of Talladega
Of growling engines and screeching tires
And the sacred soil
Known as Graceland
Love me tender, love me sweet!

SOUTH CALL

To the South
We recognize the land of our ancestors
And their fiery passion against the Northern aggression
The land that gave Jefferson Davis and Jerry Clower
And the whole Ledbetter clan

WEST CALL

To the West
We call forth the waves of television
That which brings us John Wayne, Dukes of Hazard
And WWF
We call upon the waters of beer
Quench our thirst and make us feel brave
This Bud’s for you!

DEITY CALL

We call upon that gorgeous girl,
garbed in short shorts and tube top
She who has several tattoos
And more than four teeth
She who is known by many names
Reba, Dolly, and Daisy Duke
Join us for this shindig
We got a beer for ya

We call upon that handsome man
He who sport a stylish mullet
A crown that declares Chevy
And robes by Dickey
He who is known by many names
Dale, Bubba, Bo and Junior
We ask you to join this shindig
Please don’t drink all the beer. It is reserved for the ladies
Ya know what I mean?

STATEMENT

This is the time of the second harvest
When we hop into our 9630T, 530HP, 13.5 litre diesel engine, 18 speed powershift transmission, AirCushion suspension, CommandView operator’s station John Deere tractor
You know, the ones with the A/C, radio, CB
And work the fields to bring in the harvest from what we planted this past spring

Night is becoming longer than day
So now we have more time for ESPN, NASCAR,
The Blue Collar Comedy Tour (you know the folks they talk about)
And beer

Unfortunately sometimes there is just a tad too much imbibing of the sacred brew
And we become much braver than we really should be

QUICK PLAY

Bright Lord: What the hell you lookin’ at? You lookin at my woman?
Dark Lord: What can I say, she’s a fine lookin’ girl.
Bright Lord: You had damned well better put your eyes right. She is mine!
Dark Lord: You think you got the cahones to make me?
Bright Lord: I got a shotgun in my truck that says I do.
Dark Lord: Well I got Bessie here with me and she talks louder.

(Dark Lord shoots Bright Lord.)

Goddess: What the hell did you do? You just killed my man! What the hell is your problem?
Dark Lord: Well ma’am, I was concerned with you hanging out with that momma’s boy that drank Coronas and all.
Goddess: You think you better than that?
Dark Lord: Well ma’am, why don’t you come on over to my trailer and find out. I got Jack on the table and Lone Star in the icebox.

(Goddess saunters sexily over…)
Goddess: Well now, you do seem to be quite a catch.

(Goddess rubs Dark Lord’s belly…)
Goddess: Well sir, you sure seem to be built like a Mack truck. Maybe I’ll you for a drive…

GUIDED MEDITATION

Ya know, with so many city folk moving to the country, and the old ways spreading into every corner of America, can it be too long before EVERY segment of American society is represented in the Pagan community? Will we someday see...

Redneck PAGANS???

Here are some signs that you, yourself, may be a Redneck Pagan...

If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top,
Or if you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade,
Or if your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....
You may be a Redneck Pagan.

If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",
Or if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame".....
You may be a Redneck Pagan.

Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest,
Or if they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your anointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
And if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...
You may be a Redneck Pagan.

If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
Or if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV...
You may be a Redneck Pagan.

And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess,
Or if you have EVER worked love magick on livestock......
...AND FAILED....

You are definately a Redneck Pagan!

If your children and your dog have the same magical name
(Skeeter! Get on over here and cast this circle!)...
If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"...
Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...
You may be a Redneck Pagan!

If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it....
If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick
and a 1-900 number...
Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500....
You're probably a Redneck Pagan!

Now if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it,
Or if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket...
You're probably a Redneck Pagan.

If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name...
If you think charging is done with a Master Card...
Or if your Balefire says "Coleman" on it...
You might be.........

Now, if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT necessarily a Redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks, well......

Now if your Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson.....
Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling...

If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the superbowl...
Or if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks...
You're probably a Redneck Pagan!

And finally...If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's,"
or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...
You are definitely a Redneck Pagan!

If you need to get the High Priestess to enact the Great Rite and you call out, "HEY, SIS!!!!"
you might be a Redneck Pagan...

MOONPIES AND RC COLA

(Hold moon pie in the air)
When the moon’s in the sky
Like a big pizza pie
That’s a moon pie
Eat and go into a diabetic coma

(Holds up RC Cola bottle)
Behold, the second blood of the redneck
Next to beer, next to whiskey
Okay, the third blood
RC, redneck cola
Drink and be refreshed

WEST CLOSING

To the West
We thank you for your entertainment
But we gotta turn off the tube
But we are gonna keep the beer, sorry
Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?

SOUTH CLOSING

To the South
We thank you for giving us our heritage
We will keep it true in our hearts
Bars and stars forever
Ya’ll come back now, ya here?

EAST CLOSING

To the East
We thank you for the roar of the engines
And can’t wait till next season of races
And we will never forget that Elvis ain’t dead
Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?

NORTH CLOSING

To the north
Bye

CIRCLE OPENING

Everyone says four times… “Look, they’re making a left turn!”